agent_fishstick | (no subject)

Entry tags:

hellboy,
oom

(no subject)

The wood sprites -- creatures that resembled large locusts, but with opposable thumbs and the ability to unhinge their jaws -- weren't that bad overall, actually. One couldn't blame them for being royally pissed-off at being awoken from their thousand-year hibernation about 200 years too early.

An infestation had broken out in the outskirts of Yellowstone National Park. When Abe arrived with a handful of backup agents, he determined that global warming had drastically disrupted the sprites' circadian rhythm. As a result, a swarm of several thousand had gone into a fit of mating madness, and in the process devoured large swaths of protected trees. (Fortunately they only ate flora, and not flesh.)

The only way to stop them without causing further destruction was to lure them out to an open field, which happened to be privately owned farmland, by playing a recording of their mating call; stun them with a powerful ultrasonic blast set to a frequency that only they were sensitive to; and then turn them into mulch using a couple of harvester combines and riding mowers. Needless to say, Farmer MacMillan was left with the best fertilizer he could possibly hope for.

Abe brought back a few dead but mostly undamaged wood sprites to add to the B.P.R.D.'s specimen collection. They already had a fossilized one, its delicate exoskeleton outlined in ancient slate from upstate New York. Apparently they migrated far more inland than previously thought.

And speaking of inland, Abe never traveled to the Midwest all that often, so it's been a while since he'd felt so landlocked. But it's nothing that a nice, long soak in the aquarium can't cure.

One of the agents even remembered to refill his bowl of rotten eggs. Aww, how thoughtful.

He slips into the tank of water with nary a splash, and with the soothing strains of Vivaldi wafting through his watertight headphones, he drifts off into a mellow stupor.

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Red has always had a talent for disrupting the mellow; which he displays now by sauntering in and tapping on the tank and peering inside.

"Hey, Fishstick, you're back!"

If there's any indication of annoyance on Abe's face, it doesn't show (lack of malleable features and all that). But it'll take more than that to annoy him, and he's actually glad to see the big ape.

"Oh, hello, Red! Indeed I am." He removes the headphones and floats up closer to the glass. "Frankly, the mission was nothing more than a large-scale bug extermination. Large, nasty, and hungry, but we've definitely seen larger, nastier, and hungrier. And what have you been up to?"

Red leans against one of the book stands near the tank and shrugs.

"I had a new cat. And there was an apocalypse in Milliways."

He actually shows more emotion about the cat than the apocalypse; after all Milliways is still standing, but the cat is now gone.

"Hey, did you pick up any buffalo burgers while you were in Yellowstone?"

"Wait, there was an apocalypse? And I missed it?" Abe's gills flare as he lets out a sigh. "I always seem to miss these things. And no, I didn't bring back any buffalo burgers, although Agent Silt swears by them. Personally, buffalo burgers are as appealing to me as-- well, bald eagle drumsticks..."

He touches the glass with just his fingertips. It's enough to pick up on HB's recent turmoil, and blinking, he draws back his hand. "So Liz is safe," he says quietly, relieved, more serious now. "How close did it come to...the end?"

Red waves off Abe's disappointment.

"Eh, it was an extermination gig, too. Giant spiders." He gives an exagerated shudder. "I hate spiders."

There was a time when he'd deny his worry, and get angry about being read, now he doesn't have to. Matching Abe's shift in mood regarding the subject, Red gives a sober nod.

"Yeah, she's alright. Coyote helped her get out of there." Which still surprises him.

"When I left the bar it looked like it was over. The place was falling in on itself, and over run."

It's hard to think about, what happened and what could of happened, and he hasn't spent much time on it since coming out of it.

"The place is a wreck now, but it's still there."

"Oh dear..." If Abe had eyebrows, they'd be furrowed with concern. Fortunately Milliways is populated with individuals who are capable of going into battle against invading monsters, defending one another, and hopefully, for the most part, surviving a cataclysm.

"And what about the cat?"

"Yeah, it was pretty messed up." Red's just glad everything turned out alright. He likes Milliways, and would hate to lose the place.

Red perks right up when Abe asks about the cat.

"I found him on my way out of the bar. He was a little beat up, but I brought him here and fixed him up. And get this, Abe, it was Puss in Boots."

He's surprised, but then again, not surprised. You can spend the past couple of decades dealing with ravenous mutant frogs and demonic squid, but there's that underlying wish that you could run into something cute and fluffy more often. The bar at the end of the universe seems to finally make it possible.

"Ah! Le Chat Botté? Was he as charming and gallant as his old tales made him out to be?"

"Yep. You should've seen him, Abe. He had the boots, and sword, even a little hat with a feather on it."

Red's voice is dangerously close to sounding smitten, but it's hard not to when describing something like a cat with boots and panache.

"Except he wasn't French, he was Spanish. Almost sounded like Zorro."

A tiny, adorable Zorro.

The big lug sure can turn into a sentimental pile of goo sometimes. Abe shakes his head with some bemusement, quite familiar with these turns. After all, Hellboy is still a youth at heart and hasn't outgrown his childlike wants -- but it would be a truly sad thing if he ever did.

"Oh now, Red, I know that look of yours. I hope you didn't detain the little fellow from his own world any longer than he wished to stay. Even if you could keep him, if the cat's manners are indeed in line with Zorro's, think of all the resulting kittens!"

"No, I let him go." Is that a big man pout? It just might be.

"He was very dashing. I'm pretty sure he was hitting on Rita Hayworth when I walked in."

And Liz would kill Red if kittens happened.

And Myers would certainly complain about having to change even more kitty litter.

"Well, look on the bright side. I'm sure you'll run into him again at the bar. Perhaps I'll get to meet him, too -- although you know how it is with me and cats. They usually end up nibbling on my fins."

"You'll love him, Abe, he's a great guy. And I'm sure he'll get a kick out of you, too."

Whether that was going to be a friendly sort of kick, or the cat kind is unknown.

"Speaking of which, when're you gonna climb out of that fish tank and visit the bar again?"

"Oh, well, you know, I've never been much of a mingler," he shrugs almost bashfully. "But besides that, all my usual doors seem to have stopped working. Very peculiar, now that I think about it. Next time you're over there, bring me back a matchbook or some other small token. Maybe that would reset the connection, as it were."

"We'll work on the mingling thing," Red promises.

"And I'll bring you something back. And if that doesn't work, I'll drag you there myself." His statement is a little more threat than promise, but Red just wants Abe to have a good time.

Milliways is fun, apocolypses and all.

"I have no doubt that you would, if it comes down to that," he replies good-naturedly. Swimming in a tight, graceful loop, he hovers almost upside-down for a moment as bubbles trail all around him. "Though I would like to get reacquainted with the Trilobites in the aquarium if they're still there, and ooh, the lake! Sometimes I can relate to cephalopods more than I can other species, but, as you say, we'll work on it."

"The trilobites?"

Only Abe would want to hang around with a tank full of Red Lobster entrees.

"The lake is alright. Someone told me there's a mermaid in there now, though, so watch your fins."

"Interesting! Then I certainly must investigate to determine whether it's closer to the enchanting sea siren of lore, or more of the sort we encountered off the coast of Newfoundland on that one case several years ago."

Which wasn't at all like the enchanting sea siren of lore. At all. Like, definitely not enchanting.

"Fingers crossed here for the lore," Red says, making a face as he remembers the other one.

Yeah, definitely not enchanting.

"Whichever she is, don't let her kiss you. If I can't have kittens, you can't have fry."

Abe can't blush, but cloud of bubbles billows up from his gills.

"Of- of course not! I would conduct my observation with purely scientific detachment. Although, if there are bewitching spells to ward off, I might need to do some research before I venture into those waters. One can never be too careful."

Red cracks a grin, and gives Abe a wink.

"Scientific. I'm sure."

Just because Abe can't blush doesn't make teasing him any less fun.

"I'll get you that matchbook, Fishstick, and who knows, maybe I'll get a number in it for you, too."

If Abe could eyeroll etc. etc. etc.

"Matchbook sans number would be perfectly sufficient, thank you very much. Ya big monkey."

Ah, brotherly love.

Red tapped his knuckles on the tank, and stepped back in preparation of heading out.

"We'll see what happens, Abe."

It would be a surprise, and Red loved surprises.

"You know, I can still read you from over there," he teases threateningly (as threateningly as is possible for Abe, which is about the level of a stern librarian), "but I won't. I'll see you later, Red."

Red turned around, walking backwards and throwing his arms out in an innocent shrug.

"What?"

Giving a wave and half salute, Red turned and left the library.

"See ya."

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